Martyr

Picked this up purely because of Hudson Williams (from heated rivalry). And also because he rated Stoner very highly. I cannot dismiss that. Ok but only towards the second half, I understand you Mr Williams.

Once again (now it seems like a recurring theme), went in blind and did not know what this book was meant to be.

Raw impressions:

Halfway through, I’m getting sick and tired of the protagonist. He is a self-loathing fella who used his mother’s “meaningless” death as an excuse or an escape from actually doing life.

Coupled with his mother’s death at a young age of 2, his father then committed suicide as he was about to complete university. Leaving him all “alone”. On this earth. (When he has Zee, but earth seemingly only revolves around himself).

Cyrus is an Iranian born at the heights of Iran-Iraq gulf war. The US Navy (Vincennes) shot down an Iranian commercial flight (Iran Air Flight 655), killing all 290 onboard. This kinda anchors the whole plot together as his mother was on the flight and was eviscerated along with the other passengers.

To read more on the true account: link. Kaveh Akbar used a true account in the fictional story to cement the idea of how the Americans view it as a dismissive episode. While 290 might not be a million, it is still more than 0.

THEN Orkideh came about. Orkideh is life changing. In the chapter on her journey alone, it was so inspiring. From waiting at a diner to just paint causally, being scouted for by a gallerist to showcase her artwork, and subsequently to her artwork being loved by many including a Times journalist. It all didn’t come from nothing. You get to witness her grit, her talent, her dedication to her craft.

“It’s easy for people who have sacrificed nothing to rationalize their own ordinariness by calling me lucky. But I sacrificed my entire life; I sold it to the abyss. And the abyss gave me art”

Without spoiling the book for anyone, It is amazing how the world works (no matter how fictional) and how life comes full circle after all.

I would rate it 4.5 if floating point is possible.

Watched the interview with Dua Lipa and Kaveh Akbar and you’d understand the whole process better. Also, maybe I might have some appreciation for art / painting now. When Orkideh talked about the Landscape with the fall of Icarus, it felt like a mother educating me about art.

My opinions:

I think the whole self-loathing was necessary. It sets the stage for the aftermath of character growth.

Even the author shared that grieving a death after 7 years is indulgent. (I will find the exact quotes on this). But Cyrus was trapped in this grief cycle and wallowing in self-pity. Then turned to vices and such just to not feel “empty”.

Eventually, he became obsessed with death and was in search of martyrdom. To essentially give his life “meaning”. But? Interesting how the mind of Cyrus works. Is that button for martyrdom like a dopamine hit? Click the button and you’ll feel a bit better about yourself.

Only after his episodes of conversations with Orkideh did he find out more about himself. And finally, through Sang Linh, he starts to see the world through a different lens. Cyrus reunited with Zee and gained an aunt. And now he relearns how to live again after addiction, after breaking out of the grieve cycle.

One quote that got me:

“If the mortal sin of the suicide is greed, to hoard stillness and calm for yourself while dispersing your riotous internal pain among all those who survive you, then the mortal sin of the martyr must be pride, the vanity, the hubris to believe not only that your death could mean more than your living, but that your death could mean more than death itself—which, because it is inevitable, means nothing.”